In The Next 2-3 Years...

I know I have the list of what I want to accomplish in my life. You might say that this one is redundant. But the truth is, it's not. These are just some of the things that I want to accomplish or have in the next 2-3 years. They're not as big as the other dreams... they're just the things I want in the near future given all of the things that I have right now.

..In a year or two I want to be able to have a better body (just toned and no fats in my belly :p).
I'm getting fat right now. ahahaha. It might not be obvious to most people but I don't feel good with my tummy showing when I'm wearing a shit or even a polo. When I go to the mall, I feel sad when I want to buy a shirt but couldn't since I know that it'll be too small for me or my 'curves' will show. Hahaha!. I never thought that this will be my problem because I was such a skinny boy before - but work makes wonder to your body. LOL. Anyway, I need to hit the gym soon. I just need to have the gear for it. Right now, I don't have anything :)). So I need to but them and sign up for a gym membership.. Hopefully, by August I can start. But even before that ,I should also be able to force myself in exercising!! I am an extremely lazy guy. haha! So I need to do that and start. It was my resolution this year but as always, resolutions never come true. I just need to be more disciplined with my body. Now, food is something different.. I love eating and I can't give that up yet. Maybe after a couple of months. Haha!

I want to be fit! To look good and feel good. :D

...In three years, I should have a place of my own.
'Nuff said. I want privacy and I want a place that I can call my own. May it be a small place. I just want some place where I can start living my bachelor life :D. There are things that I want to buy but can;t because of living restrictions. So hopefully, I can save up to finally move to a solo palce or even a place where I have a housemate - as long as we're cool and the place is better that just a bedspace that I am renting :D

Other plans and stuff that I want relies heavily on me having my own place. There are some things and stuff that  I want to have that can only be possible when I have my own place - an electronic keyboard would be one so that I can get in touch with my musical self :D. I would list it soon when I make my entry about my dream bachelor pad :).

I need to enjoy my bachelorhood to the fullest! So one step at a time, I'm gonna make them all come true.

So I'll need to start saving now! I should be able to fulfill them or else I'm a failure again. Oh well. Let's go motivation!

P.S.
I'm also thinking of getting a tattoo... LOL. Now this one relies on the first thing that I want - a toned body. But then, this one might get a few eyebrows raised so I'm seriously still thinking about it. :P

Confusion

We always dream of things. But sometimes, we just wait for those things to come to us and we're not doing anything.

Kinda stupid if you think but sometimes... or rather.. most of the time... I do that.
That's something really wrong but I just do it. *Sigh*

I'm shutting down again and disconnecting to everything.
It's pretty fucked up.

Sometimes, even myself can't understand what I am doing.

Sudden Surge

What I hate is when people lie straight to my face. I can't help but feel mad. I know that it is shallow and it stupid but I can;t help the way I feel.  There are just some things that I can't accept.

Right now, I'm really pissed. You can tell me the truth. Don't say something and then you do something else then I learn about it. I'd rather get hurt because of the truth than knowing that you played me. Screw that.

Well, maybe you did not think of that when you said those words to me. Yeah... maybe you really don't care. Doesn't matter when I'll know the truth eventually - you just didn't think of me. Maybe I was just a fleeting thought.

This sucks. I don't like the way I'm feeling towards you know. Honestly, I'm confused. I'm doing this and that - and you just don't care. Maybe I'm just not making myself clear on these things that I do. I don't know. I really think that it's not worth it... you're not worth it. But still I'm here for some fucked up reason that I can't understand.

Screw emotions. Screw these feelings. If this can easily be shut off - I'd have done it. Seriously... it's not worth it.


Seriously... you're not worth any of these things that I am feeling.

I want this to be over. I want what I feel to be gone.

Let's Go

What sucks?

It's when you want to do a lot of things but you can't.
And the reason is because you don't have someone to do it with.

It's tough right now to get a hold of someone to join you when you want to go out and do stupid things or whatever. People are busy. Busy with this. Busy with that. Or basically busy with their life.
I'm feeling right now the repercussions of the 'live and let go' mantra that I used to believe in before. Kinda sucks, but there's no use in making a fuss on what has been done before. Like I do most of the time, just go on with life and make the most of what I currently have.

I just kind of get lonely sometimes that I can't 'enjoy' because I don't have someone to be with. It's true what they say that it's much more fun and meaningful when you do stuff with other people. I don't mind going out by myself some times but there are times that you just want to laugh and talk with someone. But again, I know that people can't always be with you because we all have our own lives to live.

Maybe I just need a little more confidence to speak what I think. Often, I just keep it that is why things aren't happening the way I want them to.

Hmm.. yeah. Thinking about it, I would say that that's really the bottom line of all this shiz that I am writing about.

I just need to learn to ask.

...that's something that as of now, I don't usually do.

Converse and collaborate.

Boom! Problem solve.

But then.. It's easier said than done. Oh well. Let's see.

*yay.. a realization post. not really what I want to write but WTH. LOL*

Alcohol

A couple of weeks back... Someone asked me.

"Why do you drink?"


...

I was stumped. I didn't have any answers. I said that I drink just to be social.

"Besides that, why else do you drink? Do you like the taste? The feeling of alcohol coursing through your body?"

My answer was No. And there were no other reasons that I can think of why I drink.

And that made me stop.

People might wonder why I drink less than usual. Aside from the reason abow - well, lack of reason I would say - the last drinking session that I have attended wherein I got wasted was not a good experience. It might be possible that I have developed some kind of 'fear' when I see a bottle of alcohol. Hahaha. Stupid, right?

I'm not saying that I will not drink anymore. I'll just be more cautious and drink much less.

Aside from draining my pocket, it directly goes to my tummy - and I don't want it to get bigger than it is right now. Hahaha.

So there - hopefully I can do this. =)) hahaha!

Very little alcohol intake for me from now on. Or...

There's Nothing to Write

This happens most of the time - I want to write something and ideas are flowing from my mind. But when I face the computer...

blank.

I cannot seem to express what I want to write and I get stuck and stupid and just ramble on whatever.
It kinda sucks since I really want to express many things. But it seems that the moments just pass me by. And that happens always - even if it is not about writing. Sometimes I badly want to do things and I am really in the zone... but once I get there.. boom! The feeling's gone and it really sucks. I can't even remember the reason of why I want to do it.

Right now, I want to write above 'Hate and Love' and the coexistence of both - because it is what I feel right now. But I can't. The ideas that I have before opening this page seems to have gone and now I'm at a loss of what to write. Thus the creation of this entry that is totally unrelated. It really sucks. Sometimes I just wish that I have this device that automatically translates what is in my mind and writes it in paper or automatically types it. For sure, that would make things a lot more easier. But of course - asa naman ako.

Oh well. So there you go... nothing intelligent to write.
Maybe next time.

WTF is This Feeling

Maybe it's the result of me not eating like before.
Maybe it's because of boredom
Maybe I just don't understand it
Maybe it's something inevitable

This sucks. I thought that I've gotten over this phase. But why is it coming back? Maybe this is just 'one of those times' - those times of relapse and being lost. Yeah. Maybe it's like that.
So many things are running through my mind right now. It  sucks when you have too much time in your hands and you don't do anything. It sucks. Torn between things. Between what's right and what's wrong. What's good and what's better.

Can I be immature again for once? Just this one time I want to feel this but I don't want this to last. Though I want to be immature, still, I can't express what I feel. Not that I really can't... it's a choice that want to make. And though I know it's for the better - it still sucks. The feeling sucks. And I suck for choosing that.

I'm vague I know. And I don't want to be clear.

Can this phase just be finished... now? Damn.

The List

Everyone has his/her own dream. Some dreams are small and can be easily achieved, some dreams are big and hard to fulfill. Whatever these dreams may be, these are what makes us move forward with life- trying to fulfill these dreams that we have.
After watching The Bucket List before, I wanted to also write a list of things - little and big dreams - that I want to do before I die. I haven't had the chance to write them down and didn't start doing them. But now that I think that my life is in my own hands already, I want to list down certain things that I want to do before the day comes. It's good to keep some list like this to have some direction on life - well, in my opinion that is. :)

I'll start right now and continue to update this list in the coming days if I think of something that  I want to do. :D Note: Some of these things might sound silly to others - but hey, this is my list and these are what I want to do :p

The List 
Last update: May 30, 2010
1. Travel to at least one country from each of the six continents. Asia, Australia, Europe, Africa, North America, South America
2. Write and record a song
3. Go to my ultimate place: sit under a tree situated in a cliff overlooking the sea
4. Have a family :)
5. Have a photoshoot
6. Climb a mountain
7. Have a solo adventure travelling
8. Have my own place
9. Learn how to play at least one musical instrument
10. Win a lottery
11. Watch a musical
12. Do something good for everyone

That's the list so far... nothing too big and uncommon. I still have to think of those. Hahaha :p


There.

Let It Go

I can't help but feel jealous.
I know it makes no sense but still... I can't fool myself.
I know what I feel.
And I know that it is stupid and pointless.

I'm at the point where I don't want to care but I still do.
You don't have any fault.
I'm blaming myself for what I feel.
Stupid, right.

I'm hating what I see right now.
Kung pwede ko lang burahin facebook account ko - ginawa ko na.
But it's pointless.
Argh.

I just got to learn to manage this.
It's over.
Deal with it.
Move on.
Let it go.

Forgotten

The intention of this blog is for me to revisit the days when micro blogging was not yet around and I was able to write what I think without just writing snippets of it. But looking at it now... it's been 5 months since I have started this blog and it's in a sorry state. Only three entries and those three were written on just the first week of this blog - after that... no entries were posted.

Obsiously, the goal was not achieved.

I don't know why it happens. I don't blame it on lack of time because truthfully, I have enough time to write whatever. It's just that sometimes writing something long is such a bore. Before, I was really happy with writing - but now... I don't know. With the birth of all the microblogging sites - status-like updates are now the ones in. It's really sad but it's the reality. Gone are the golden days of blogging - hello micro blogging era. Sure, I'm years late in stating the fact but who cares.

I tried to read the entries that I've written before and it surprised me to read them because I didn't know I can write such strong entries. I felt good and bad when reading them. Good because I get to reminisce what I was experiencing back then. Bad - because I know I haven't written in a long time. I just stopped writing and it makes me sad.

I want to make a promise to write again - but it's hard when you're immersed in a new world. Though you want to write - there's this something that's stopping you. And it sucks.

There are so many things in my mind right now. Things that I want to write. Things that in the future - I want to read and revisit. It might make me laugh remembering how awful or immature I was or maybe it can make me laugh because I remember how fun it was. It might make me realize the lessons that I have learned from the experiences that I've had before so that I'll know what to do when it happens again.

I seriously miss the feeling of writing anything under the sun. Tough microblogging is fun - it's still very different. I still have half of the year to make this blog alive. Hopefully, I can do it - to update the blog regularly.

After all - as this blog's title suggests - this is the Year of Me. Year of going back and making things happen. Again.

End of a Decade. End of a Chapter.

Another year ends. 2009 is no more.

But thinking about it, it's just not a year that has ended - but a decade. The first decade of the new millenium has come to a close. And it's just now that I've come to known that the first decade of the millenium is called the Noughties - from the root word 'nought' which I think means zero. Surely, those in the field sciences knows this - those elements with the subscript of zero are most often called 'not' or 'nought'.

Anyways, looking back, so many things have happened in the Noughties all around the world - and if I try to reminisce everything, I won't be able to finish this entry until forever. There are so many decade end countdowns and best-of lists all over the cyberspace and you can just look at them.

Personally, the Noughties is very important to me. If you ask me, I have little recall of the 90's since I was just a little kid back then. But this decade is different - I started this decade as someone who's just entering adolescence - and we all know that it's the start of finding out new things. And from 2000-2009, I can safely say that I have recall on what's has happenedunlike the 90's. It feels weird looking back. So many things have changed and I don't even know where to start. Don't worry, I'm in no mood to discuss everything that has happened or even discuss the major events in my life for the past decade. Hahaha. However, there's one thing that I can say is a highlight of the decade for me.

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It's That Time Again

... for a year-ender meme :P

Since I'm too lazy to write a year-ender or to make a collage... here's a very common Year-ender meme :p

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Rebirth. Revival.

And yet again... another new blog.

Eversince I've devided to write my thoughts in the web, I've created countless of blog accounts. From myspace, to friendster, to blogspot and livejournal... I have lost track of the number of online journals where my thoughts are written. Of course, most of those other blogs were short lived and only a few of my blogs have had many entries that I considered as my 'real' blogs. Some of blogs that I made just served its purpose for a short time - depending on what I feel or what 'phase' I am going through. And of course, I leave the those blogs after the 'phase' is over.

I remember starting my blog as a personal journal and that no one but me knows that it exists. After a while, I finally let other people know that I have an online journal. Back before I started to go public, since I know that I'm the only one reading it, I really wrote what I feel. But after I've gone public, unknowingly, I seemed to have filtered what I write. Sometimes, I just write whatever is appropriate and what other people would like to read - and frankly, for the main purpose why I started my blog, it's really stupid. I maintain blogs and write my entries as an outlet. And back then, I was such an emotional and angsty teenager and yet when I write my entries, it is more often that I tone down my writings because I know that many people read it. I was cautious taht I might step into other people. But though that's the case, I've had my private blogs on which I really wrote what I felt - those things that I want to express but I don't like people to know. I have two private blogs - the other one is strictly private (dark kemikulz) but the other one is actually public... it's just that people doesn't know that it exists.

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